Post by B'kay on Feb 5, 2010 15:49:49 GMT -5
Weyrleader.
I am still having trouble wrapping my thoughts around that. The healerwoman Gaylen, when I confided in her the other day, suggested I keep a journal. I resisted at first, but the thoughts tormenting my brain are distracting me. I must focus, keep my mind straight, keep myself in control.
Perhaps this will give those thoughts somewhere to go so they'll leave me alone and let me get my work done.
I'm also still training the Weyrlings. Or at least those which remained. That girl, that Auria, with the young Queen. She haunts me. I think only the strength of her dragon kept her alive. She stares at me like a waif, like the wind will blow her away as dust any moment. She does her duties, learns her lessons, but the look of fear in her eyes.... Her shell is so thin after her illness that I can see the inner distrust right through it. Do they all feel that way, the Weyrlings?
Weyrlings! Shells, those young dragons had barely taken wing! What on earth was that dunderhead M'kel thinking, letting them struggle north like that? Well, he never did have a lick of sense about him -- and, though I can't voice it aloud, as it would only stir up more dissent, I wouldn't in the least put it past him to be behind this whole Ikros disaster.
Not that I think he had a hand in the poisoning. Not even an arrogant son of a wherry like M'kel would put so many dragons at risk. He's so ambitious, so power hungry, though, that I don't doubt he could have quickly latched on to the opportunity to turn disaster to advantage. And Crown ... that girl has always seemed to be the suspicious sort, distrusting. I wouldn't put it past M'kel to have seen the benefits of using her paranoia against us all, as well.
But what am I saying ... I just am so angry, so ... yes, I'll admit it, so afraid ... that I need to blame someone for this. M'kel is just conniving enough to be the obvious choice.
Shards, I hope those young dragons all made the trip safely. I mean, had any of them not made it, Syth would have known. Or would he?
....
He has just assured me, in annoyance, that he would. Syth. He's always annoyed these days. And how can one blame him?
A Queen died.
Every time I think of Gwynevith and Alana, my stomach turns. I get this sinking sense of fear, of pain, of guilt. I cannot, will not ever block the sound from my mind. The keening of the entire Weyr ... their Queen gone. Though I was not there when Alana died, once I heard the keening, there was no doubt.
Alana. I loved that girl ... not the way I love Kitari, but my heart held Alana in a dear and special place. After all, she was one of my first students, the rider of our darling Lefayeth's clutch sister. And my friend.
Now, they all whisper that Alana was in love with me. Why did I never see it? What is wrong with me, am I so dense, so dim-witted that I was blind? Everyone else saw it ... what a fool I was. I saw her attentions as those of a friend, a student, and after that fateful Flight, a young Weyrwoman trying her best to remain close to those who could support her.
I knew there was tension between her and Kitari, but I always passed it off as the influence of two Queen Dragons trying to share space in a Weyr.
It seemed natural.
I never knew. And then the eyes, the eyes of blame, as they stared at me, as if this was somehow my fault. They are all fools!
How could they ever think that Kitari would so endanger the Weyr? It's just not possible ... how could they even imagine...? Don't they know her at all? Are they blind out of grief? Or sheer stupidity?
Poor Kitari ... I wish she'd talk, I wish she'd open up, I long to be the strength that allows her to confide. I've hardly seen her lately....
And yet ... someone did poison the Weyr. Someone out there is a cold blooded murderer. I'm determined to find out who. I don't for a moment truly believe it could have been a dragonrider. No rider, once Impressed, would risk the lives of so many dragons. I don't understand how others could even entertain the thought ... or am I just more naive than I think?
Weyrleader. I was ready to be Junior Weyrleader, I was ready to be Weyrlingmaster ... but Weyrleader? The time I'm putting into these tasks thrust upon me is all consuming. The normal running of the Weyr from a Weyrleader's perspective is hard enough, but dealing with the fear and dissent, the distrust that still lingers in so many eyes....
All consuming. It needs to be done, and I will do it, because the Weyr needs me. Kitari needs me. But it keeps me from doing the one thing I truly want, with all the fire in my heart, to do....
Find the murderer.
I am still having trouble wrapping my thoughts around that. The healerwoman Gaylen, when I confided in her the other day, suggested I keep a journal. I resisted at first, but the thoughts tormenting my brain are distracting me. I must focus, keep my mind straight, keep myself in control.
Perhaps this will give those thoughts somewhere to go so they'll leave me alone and let me get my work done.
I'm also still training the Weyrlings. Or at least those which remained. That girl, that Auria, with the young Queen. She haunts me. I think only the strength of her dragon kept her alive. She stares at me like a waif, like the wind will blow her away as dust any moment. She does her duties, learns her lessons, but the look of fear in her eyes.... Her shell is so thin after her illness that I can see the inner distrust right through it. Do they all feel that way, the Weyrlings?
Weyrlings! Shells, those young dragons had barely taken wing! What on earth was that dunderhead M'kel thinking, letting them struggle north like that? Well, he never did have a lick of sense about him -- and, though I can't voice it aloud, as it would only stir up more dissent, I wouldn't in the least put it past him to be behind this whole Ikros disaster.
Not that I think he had a hand in the poisoning. Not even an arrogant son of a wherry like M'kel would put so many dragons at risk. He's so ambitious, so power hungry, though, that I don't doubt he could have quickly latched on to the opportunity to turn disaster to advantage. And Crown ... that girl has always seemed to be the suspicious sort, distrusting. I wouldn't put it past M'kel to have seen the benefits of using her paranoia against us all, as well.
But what am I saying ... I just am so angry, so ... yes, I'll admit it, so afraid ... that I need to blame someone for this. M'kel is just conniving enough to be the obvious choice.
Shards, I hope those young dragons all made the trip safely. I mean, had any of them not made it, Syth would have known. Or would he?
....
He has just assured me, in annoyance, that he would. Syth. He's always annoyed these days. And how can one blame him?
A Queen died.
Every time I think of Gwynevith and Alana, my stomach turns. I get this sinking sense of fear, of pain, of guilt. I cannot, will not ever block the sound from my mind. The keening of the entire Weyr ... their Queen gone. Though I was not there when Alana died, once I heard the keening, there was no doubt.
Alana. I loved that girl ... not the way I love Kitari, but my heart held Alana in a dear and special place. After all, she was one of my first students, the rider of our darling Lefayeth's clutch sister. And my friend.
Now, they all whisper that Alana was in love with me. Why did I never see it? What is wrong with me, am I so dense, so dim-witted that I was blind? Everyone else saw it ... what a fool I was. I saw her attentions as those of a friend, a student, and after that fateful Flight, a young Weyrwoman trying her best to remain close to those who could support her.
I knew there was tension between her and Kitari, but I always passed it off as the influence of two Queen Dragons trying to share space in a Weyr.
It seemed natural.
I never knew. And then the eyes, the eyes of blame, as they stared at me, as if this was somehow my fault. They are all fools!
How could they ever think that Kitari would so endanger the Weyr? It's just not possible ... how could they even imagine...? Don't they know her at all? Are they blind out of grief? Or sheer stupidity?
Poor Kitari ... I wish she'd talk, I wish she'd open up, I long to be the strength that allows her to confide. I've hardly seen her lately....
And yet ... someone did poison the Weyr. Someone out there is a cold blooded murderer. I'm determined to find out who. I don't for a moment truly believe it could have been a dragonrider. No rider, once Impressed, would risk the lives of so many dragons. I don't understand how others could even entertain the thought ... or am I just more naive than I think?
Weyrleader. I was ready to be Junior Weyrleader, I was ready to be Weyrlingmaster ... but Weyrleader? The time I'm putting into these tasks thrust upon me is all consuming. The normal running of the Weyr from a Weyrleader's perspective is hard enough, but dealing with the fear and dissent, the distrust that still lingers in so many eyes....
All consuming. It needs to be done, and I will do it, because the Weyr needs me. Kitari needs me. But it keeps me from doing the one thing I truly want, with all the fire in my heart, to do....
Find the murderer.